In this issue...
The Perfect Family
Leslie and the Drag Queen podcast
What I'm reading
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The Perfect Family
The other day at the grocery store, I saw a father shopping with his two daughters, who looked to be around 8 and 5 years old. They were cute little things, with brightly-colored dresses and their hair neatly braided. The girls seemed to be having a great time helping their dad pick out the ripest avocados and dutifully put them in their cart. I smiled to myself at the sweet scene, picked out my own avocados, and continued on through the produce section.
Then, as so often happens when you follow the same grocery store map as a fellow shopper, I ran into the little family again on the next aisle.
“Can we please get some broccoli, Papa?” chirped the older daughter.
“Of course, Sweet Pea!” came the response. “Great choice!”
I smiled to myself again, but not quite as vigorously this time. It was one thing for a kid to get excited about avocados- they’re not such a tough sell- but broccoli?! What kind of dark magic was this dad pulling here? And could he teach it to me?
I carried on, picking up one of the two sole fruits my son will consume, (bananas, if you were wondering), and then turned in the direction of the bakery. As luck would have it, Perfect Family, as I’d decided to call them, was now just behind me.
“Ha!” I thought as we wheeled our way towards the veritable cornucopia of sweets. Donuts, muffins, brownies, cookies… no kid could resist this stuff, no matter how much they loved broccoli. This was gonna be good. I stopped and pretended to examine some pita chips as I heard the younger daughter’s voice raise. I didn’t want to miss this. It was go time.
“Papa?” came the tiny voice.
I turned to see her holding a box of croissants, a hopeful expression on her face. I held my breath. Sure, croissants were nothing compared to the sea of sugar in which we were currently adrift, but if I knew Perfect Dad at all, (and after approximately 2 minutes of eavesdropping on his shopping trip, I was pretty sure I did), they were going to be a no go. The kid might as well have been asking for a box of crystal meth.
“Oh wow, Pumpkin. That sure looks like a big treat!”
Pumpkin nodded and smiled. I did, too.
“We’ve been having lots of treats at home with Christmas and all, so I think we should put this one back, okay?”
And, I shit you not, Pumpkin just kind of shrugged, put the croissants down, and said “yeah, you’re right.” I swear, this kid practically scuffed her little shoe on the linoleum and said “Aw, gee whiz, Papa, I understand,” and tottered off to the theme song from the Andy Griffith Show. It was the textbook definition of a healthy parent/child interaction and one of the most endearing things I’ve ever seen.
And it pissed. me. off.
Look, I’m a pretty good mom. I talk through conflicts, connect with my kids, validate their feelings- all that shit. But there’s no way in Leave It To Beaver the same scenario would’ve played out like that with any of my kids, even on our best days. They’re good kids, but they’re never going to ask for fucking broccoli.
The family continued on its way, leaving me with questions about parenting, vegetables, and sinfully-delicious French pastries. But then I realized it wasn’t fair to compare myself to other parents. After all, I had caught a mere glimpse into Perfect Dad’s life. Who was I to judge, even if positively, his parenting journey? Weren’t we all just doing the best we could to keep it together? Didn’t he face just as many challenges as I did, however invisible they were to me at that moment?
I took a deep breath and pushed my cart on towards the next item on my list. I dredged up that smile that had originally crossed my lips after our first encounter in front of the avocados. I even sent Perfect Family thoughts of admiration, tenderness, and warmth. They would need those thoughts since I was about to let the air out of their perfect fucking tires.
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Episode 6: Standup Wendy Liebman: Say You Want To
Stand-up comedian Wendy Liebman talks about getting her start in stand-up, being on America’s Got Talent, and her upcoming shows with Bill Maher. And, as promised, it’s the debut of Leslie and Candi’s Christmastime Song!
Episode 7: Holiday Purgatory
It’s that weird time between holidays, so it’s time to wrap up Christmas, get ready for New Year’s, and talk about…body hair?
What I’m Reading: Evvie Drake Starts Over
Every now and then I like a light read, but not too light, you know? It’s a tall order, finding a book that falls somewhere between War and Peace and The Real Housewives’ Unauthorized Biography. So when I found a whole Twitter thread with recommendations for delightful reads, I quickly added them to my list.
First up was Evvie Drake Starts Over, and it ended up being the perfect salve for my holiday-frayed nerves. A small-town widow sorts through the secrets of her past with the help of a hunky, yet also-troubled former baseball player? Not usually my jam, but in this case it all worked! Imagine a Hallmark movie with well-written, nuanced characters who mess up and go to therapy and even curse occasionally. I’m here for it.
My most popular post of the month
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I can assure you my kids have never asked for broccoli either!