February Newsletter- How to succeed in auditions without really Zooming, LATDQ podcast, what I'm watching & more!
In this issue...
How to succeed in auditions without really Zooming
Leslie and the Drag Queen podcast
What I'm watching
Most popular post
How to succeed in auditions without really Zooming
Not long ago I had an audition and even though I didn’t get the part, I got some solid material out of it, which is just as good as actually earning money. This audition was for a local commercial, and to be considered for it you had to submit a self-tape. Self-taping is just what it sounds like: you record yourself saying a few lines from the script provided, spend an inordinate amount of time obsessing over the way your mouth slightly crooks to the left when you talk, re-record the lines several dozen more times, and voila! you’re ready to submit.
The commercial was for a wine store, and the script called for a back-and-forth exchange between an employee (me) and a customer (TBD). Given that casting directors tend to frown upon background noises like children fighting over whose turn it is to take out the trash, I usually do self-tapes when everyone is out of the house, but this time I needed someone to read the accompanying lines for me off camera. But who could do it? I weighed my options.
Husband: The obvious choice, but there was that line of dialogue about ‘beaches,’ and his South American pronunciation tended to make the word sound like ‘bitches.’ Probably not a good idea in this post #metoo era. Plus, he was at work and I was on a tight deadline.
Dog: As adorable as my supplemental voice for him is, he can’t actually form human words…yet. Pass, for now.
8-year-old: She just lost a front tooth, giving her a temporary, utterly-endearing lisp. I couldn’t risk her stealing my thunder, especially with phrases like ‘surprisingly spicy Shiraz’ and ‘such a steal.’ Next.
13-year-old: He’s at an impressionable age where having him read lines about looking for the perfect Chianti could glamorize alcohol, leading him down a path of self-destruction and misery. On the other hand, he speaks intelligibly and has theatre experience. Ding ding ding!!
After repeatedly telling my son not to mention any of this to his teachers, we got the recording done. I nailed my lines, he learned about properly-aged reposado tequila, and I submitted the self-tape. A few days later, I was thrilled to learn that I’d been asked to do a callback (second audition) over Zoom.
Now look, I appreciate that Zoom auditions were a necessary evil during the height of the pandemic. But now that things are relatively back to normal, they’re just plain evil. Auditions are stressful even under the best conditions. Throw in extra factors like spotty internet, a barking dog, and a kid who has forgotten that you’re in an audition and who keeps yelling “MOOOOOOMMMM!!! WHEN’S DINNERRRRR??” and you might actually have to be a Zen master to land a job hawking booze. Luckily, I’m well-versed in channeling my calm in the midst of chaos- I used to teach preschool.
Somehow I got through the audition, even overcoming the urge to respond “are you fucking kidding me right now” when the director asked me to explain my character’s motivation for the line “Welcome to We-R-Wine, can I help you?” At that moment it was as if, by magic, the ghost of Jared Leto whispered pretentious method actor nothings into my ear as I wove a tapestry of bullshit worthy of an Inside The Actor’s Studio interview. (And yes, I know Jared Leto isn’t actually dead, but I defy you to think of a better example of a pretentious method actor.) The production team had me read the lines approximately 32 times, with varying degrees of enthusiasm, wit, and je ne sais can we just end this already, eventually thanking me and sending me on my virtual way.
As I began packing away my gear, I called down to my daughter that the coast was clear and assured her that dinner was on the way. I smiled to myself, feeling pride at having overcome so many challenges and still managing to give a great audition. Just then my phone rang, and my heart jumped when I saw the casting director’s number on the screen. Was something wrong? Were they already offering me the part? Had Jared Leto ratted me out??
“Hi, Leslie? It’s Bob from the audition. Yeah, something happened on our end and we didn’t get any of that recorded. Can you possibly do it all again for us?”
“Sure!” I beamed through gritted teeth. “No, it’s no problem at all. I…don’t currently have a pack of ravenous youths who are suddenly incapable of foraging sustenance for themselves breathing down my neck! Just ten minutes you say? Absolutely! Be right there!!”
Back out came the microphone, the ring light, the laptop, and the welcoming glow of the Zoom waiting room. Another 45 minutes, (10, my ass), another 27 pleas for food from downstairs, (“Moooom, it’s already dark outside!”), 32ish takes of the lines, (“Can we hear more…purple in your tone this time?”), and I was finally done. I was tired and flustered, but ultimately even more proud of myself and hopeful at the prospect of landing the gig. After all, these wine people must’ve been really interested in me if they called me back to do the whole audition over again, right? I was a shoo-in.
A week later, I got my rejection email. I couldn’t help but feel a little down, but the whole process had taught me a valuable lesson: Jared Leto is an asshole.
Leslie and the Drag Queen Podcast News
Catch LATDQ on any major podcast platform, or click the link below to listen.
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Episode 8: Sweet, Sassy, Smart
It’s the final episode of LATDQ Season 1, so to wrap things up in style, Leslie and Candi are each sharing a sweet, sassy, and smart thing. That is…if Candi remembered to do her homework! What do you want to hear in Season 2? Let us know!
What I’m Watching: Bad Sisters
With so many streaming services available, it can feel impossible to keep up with all of the great TV shows out there. (SNL nailed this feeling with a great sketch last week.) One thing is for certain though: if Sharon Horgan (Catastrophe) is involved in something, I’m watching it.
Bad Sisters follows the Garvey sisters, a tight-knit family who will do anything for each other. One of the sister’s husbands winds up dead, (no spoilers- this happens in episode 1), but it’s not clear exactly how he died- or who might have been involved. What follows is a gripping story that mixes dark comedy, mystery, and suspense. A female-centered series that takes place in Ireland and features plenty of cursing? Yes, please!
My most popular post of the month
The best thing about January’s most popular post was how many people it angered because they didn’t get the joke. The stream of outraged comments came so fast and furious that I eventually had to mute it! First dances at weddings will never be the same.
Are you following me yet? You can find me on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram. Especially if I'm avoiding work.
You should have got that gig! I keep hearing great things about bad sisters but am wondering if it’s going to stress me out too much or is too gory. Any guidance on those fronts for a viewer who is kind of a baby (me).