In this issue...
Post Malone Doesn’t Need This Sh*%
3 ways creatives self-sabotage
What I’m watching
Most popular post
Post Malone Doesn’t Need This Sh*%
There are a few things you expect to see on a visit to a Cane’s restaurant: friendly employees serving up freshly-fried chicken strips; customers enjoying the restaurant’s beloved dipping sauce; loved ones spending quality time together over a meal. You wouldn’t typically, however, expect to see a botched kidnapping of Post Malone. But that’s exactly what happened to my son and me one fateful summer evening.
The Wednesday night Cane’s trip had become a summer tradition with my son. In between appointments we would stop in for a quick bite, and I’d soak up the alone time with my boy- a rarity when you have three kids. On this particular evening, we were amusing ourselves by trying (and failing) to build the cardboard firetruck included with his kid’s meal. Just when we’d decided the configuration was purposely designed to be impossible to construct- our logic was that Cane’s wanted you to drown your engineering sorrows in a strategically-priced Caniac Combo - there was a commotion by the register.
A kid, maybe 16 years old, had grabbed a life-sized cut out with a cartoon-rendering of Post Malone, unsuccessfully tried to tuck it under his arm, and was now dragging it to his pickup, where his accomplice was waiting in the passenger seat. Not missing a beat, an employee ran after the thief and rescued the remarkably-calm Malone, snapping a picture of the culprit’s license plate in the process. There was a bit of shouting back and forth, and everyone in the restaurant was completely riveted. I mean, not enough to put down their chicken, but they did fully turn their heads towards the action, and murmur excitedly.
This was all a bit much for a random weekday in the fancy part of Austin! If Post Malone could be snatched up in broad daylight, the cows at Chik-fil-A didn't stand a chance. The one person who didn’t react at all was an employee on break in the booth next to us. He barely managed an upwards glance when everything went down, like this sort of thing happened all the time. Maybe it did…
Their plot having been foiled by employee of the month, Steve, the would-be kidnappers made their escape.
Slowly.
The reason for the pair’s lack of urgency wasn’t immediately clear. Maybe they were new drivers who hadn’t yet mastered the intricacies of backing up in a crowded parking lot. Maybe they were debating whether they should steal Steve’s phone to erase the incriminating evidence. Maybe they wanted to pick up a Caniac Combo for the road. Whatever the reason, the pace at which they were now traveling could best be described as snail-like. And yet they still somehow managed to run into a parked Altima.
This was too much for my fellow customers and me, who now had completely put down their chicken and accompanying dipping sauce. No one had yet stood up, but the concern level was now officially at pull-out-your-phone-and-record levels. Steve and the demonstrably worst criminals ever started yelling again, and eventually the pair moseyed away from the scene of the crime.
And I do mean ‘moseyed’- these two might have just committed a handful of misdemeanors, but they weren’t about to peel out of the Cane’s parking lot like a couple of animals.
“Well, those guys are toast,” my son said knowledgeably, biting into his own piece of toast without a hint of irony. “If they wanted to steal that cut out, they really should’ve thought things through better.”
I was torn between asking my son how he knew about the finer points of juvenile delinquency, and hearing him out in case I wanted to perfect my own future heist. “What do you mean?” I asked, deciding on the latter.
“I mean, for one thing, that dude was so stupid. He was sitting right by the register for like 10 minutes before he actually tried to gank the cut out. If you’re gonna steal something, just do it.”
The kid had a point. And yet…
“Plus, his friend was waiting in the passenger seat. Bad planning. You want the person in the car to be the getaway driver. Everyone knows that.”
“Pssshhh, yeah,” I answered. Was this in-depth criminal knowledge some new aspect of the STEM program at his school? STECM?
“And also,” he said, licking his fingers as he wrapped things up, “they probably would’ve been alright if they just hadn’t hit that car at the end. No one’s gonna nail a couple of kids trying to steal a stupid cartoon piece of cardboard. But a hit and run? That’s another story.”
Still wondering at the fact that I had somehow slept on my son becoming Gen Z’s answer to Detective Munch, we gathered up our trash and headed towards the door.
The evening’s events had been brief but poignant, and I felt sure my fellow customers were wrestling with the same deep thoughts as I was: What were today’s youth coming to if they couldn’t even commit the pettiest of crimes? Should I start sleeping with one eye open around my son? And most importantly, how does one make the transition from music mogul to fast food mascot?
They were questions for the ages, and ones we wouldn’t be solving that night, but it didn’t really matter. The important thing was that I’d finally figured out that Post Malone is a rapper, not a description for the basketball era after former Dream Team member Karl Malone retired.
So what do you think?
Did you know who Post Malone was before reading this, or are you also middle aged?
Have you ever witnessed a bizarre, fairly lame crime amid a mouthful of fried chicken?
How could these budding criminals have perfected their scheme?
Was the barely-disturbed employee somehow in on the whole thing?
Was it a mistake to have let my son watch Goodfellas as a toddler?
Sound off in the comments!
Coaching Corner: 3 Ways Creatives Self-Sabotage
What I’m Watching: What We Do In The Shadows
With the writer’s strike dragging on, it’s hard to know when we’ll get new episodes of our favorite shows. That made last month’s premiere of What We Do in the Shadows, Season 5 even more special. If you haven’t caught the show yet, you’re in for a treat. WWDITS is a mockumentary based on a feature film by the same name. Jemaine Clement and Taika Waititi are co-creators and writers, so you already know it’s gonna be good. The show follows four vampires, (three traditional vampires and one energy vampire), living together in modern-day Staten Island. Predictably- but also entirely unpredictably- wacky situations and encounters ensue. For my money, this show can’t be beat in terms of originality, jokes per minute, and sheer absurdity. I have yet to watch an episode where I haven’t laughed out loud, often with tears running down my face.
My most popular post of the month
I’m 90% sure my husband and kids have built-in radar that alerts them when I’ve just sat down for some time to myself. Based on this month’s most popular post, it looks like I’m not the only one! (Is school back in session yet??)
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I am sad to report I did not know who Post Malone was and was guessing basketball player based on the image. 😂. Was planning to google it after I read your newsletter but then you helpfully clarified for me!